Stuart

Available on: Beelzebubba (Enigma, 1988)
                  Death Rides a Pale Cow - The Ultimate Collection (Restless, 1997)
                  Cream of the Crop - The Best of the Dead Milkmen (BMG, 1998)

Alternate Versions: Chaos Rules - Live At The Trocadero (Restless, 1994)

Sung by: Rodney Anonymous

Length: 2:21
Lyrics:

You know what Stuart? I like you. You're not like the other people here in the trailer park. Oh no, don't get me wrong, they're fine people, good Americans. But they're content to sit back, maybe watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57. Maybe kick back a cool Coors 16-ouncer. They're good fine people, Stuart. But they don't know what the queers are doing to the soil.

You know that Johnny Wurster kid - the kid who delivers papers in the neighborhood? He's a fine kid. Some of the neighbors say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it. Anyway, for his 10th birthday, all he wanted was a burrow owl, just like his old man. "Dad, get me a burrow owl. I'll never ask for anything else as long as I live". So the guy breaks down and buys him a burrow owl. Anyway at 10:30 the other night I go out into my yard and there's the Wurster kid looking up in the tree. I said, "What are you looking for?" He said, "I'm looking for my burrow owl." I say, "Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Everybody knows that a burrow owl lives in a hole in the ground! Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?!" Now Stuart, do you think a kid like that is gonna know what the queers are doing to the soil?

I first became aware of this, about 10 years ago, the summer my oldest boy Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival that comes to town every year? Well this year it came with a ride called the Mixer. The man said "Keep your head and arms inside the mixer at all times." But Bill Jr., he was a daredevil, just like his old man. He was leaning out saying, "Hey everybody! Look at me, look at me!" POW! He was decapitated. They found his head over by the snowcone concession. A few days after that, I open up the mail and there's a pamphlet in there, from Pueblo, Colorado. And it's addressed to Bill Jr. And it's entitled, "Do you know what the queers are doing to our soil?"

Now Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large U.S. city with a big underground homosexual population - Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart. You can't build on it, you can't grow anything in it. The government says it's due to poor farming. But I know what's really going on, Stuart. I know it's the queers. They're in it with the aliens. They're building landing strips for gay Martians. I swear to God.

You know what Stuart, I like you. You're not like the other people, here in the trailer park.

 Tablature:



Notes:

Mork & Mindy - Bizarre television comedy with Robin Williams as Mork from Ork, who is an alien hatched from an egg, sent to investigate Earth and report back to his superiors.

Coors - All these imperial ounce measurements are foreign to me.

Burrow Owl - Click here for some information on this particular owl.

Johnny Wurster -

You can also see the file for the Chaos Rules version here.


Comments:

A classic. I've probably played it to death over the years, but it's still great. "Pow! He was decapitated!", "Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick!" and the burrow owl bit is cool too.

Des Moines. Does it really have a large underground homosexual population? Not from any personal interest, just wondering if it's a joke I don't get, or just a city picked at random.