The Dead Milkmen Metaphysical Graffiti * (p) 1990 Enigma Records * (c) 1990 Golf Pro Music (BMI) * Members: No member list... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Beige Sunshine 2. Do The Brown Nose 3. Methodist Coloring Book 4. [untitled] - Part 3 5. I Tripped Over The Ottoman 6. [untitled] - The Big Sleazy 7. If You Love Somebody, Set Them On Fire 8. Dollar Signs In Her Eyes 9. In Praise Of Sha Na Na 10. Epic Tales Of Adventure 11. I Hate You, I Love You 12. Now Everybody's Me + [untitled] 13. Little Man In My Head 14. Anderson, Walkman, Buttholes And How! 15. [untitled] * Song For Michael's Pipe ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 - Beige Sunshine Cheese is the one thing that's indestructible How much is your Blue Cross deductible? Open your eyes to a wicked surprise You'll lose your mind if you just step inside They say even Bambi was corruptible The flu's coming, yes are you susceptible? If only traces of lead were detectable Open your brain to a new kind of pain Just step inside and we'll all go insane Please put your thoughts inside a receptacle You are not one of us Your pipes are leaking You are an ocelot But what are you seeking? Baboons, they say, are quite understanding Ships without rudders aren't worth commanding Open your skull to a world that is dull You'll find it all when you shop at the mall People like you are not worth reprimanding I think you need some help I think that you're way off course Maybe you need a little breather You should get down off that horse Look up into the sky Try to catch your racing thoughts Before they burn up in the sun Take a walk Sit in your rocking chair and breathe... Just breathe And breathe Just breathe Welcome to your head Trippin' on Wonder Bread Welcome to your head! Peer into the endless void And see the endless light Realize there is no time There is only light Feel the heat of the moment Feel the heat of the now Feel the heat of the beige sunshine In the back of your mind, and breathe... Just breathe And breathe Let's breathe 2 - Do The Brown Nose Good evening ladies and gentlemen And welcome to P.J.'s Astrological Love Lounge We are Lester Shy and the Shyphonics My name is Lester Shy and these fine gentlemen all around me Well they're the Shyphonics And we hail proudly from Fargo, North Dakota Now, way down south in Fargo, whenever we needs a little somethin' extra We like to do a little thing we call the brown nose And we'd like all you fine ladies and gentlemen here tonight To help us out in doin' the brown nose So remember: when I shout "What you gonna do?" You're gonna shouts back "Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose" Think you can handle that? (crowd: ya!) I'm pretty sure you can; let's give it a try What you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) Oh, ladies and gentlemen, you should all be round up and shot That was terrible (crowd: moans) What you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) Yes! Yes! That's so much better You have my permission to go out and reproduce (crowd: light cheering) You're lovely human beings So now we're gonna do a little brown nosin' for ya Are you excited? (crowd: cheering) Are you ready? Okay then, here we go! When you want that job, I say now what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) There's rich uncle Bob, I say now what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) You get stopped by the man, I say now what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) Record company wants to sign your band, I say now what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) Mercy! ???? myself 300 times Alright! Now I know many of you fine ladies and gentlemen Have begun to ask yourself Ooh, but Lester Shy and the Shyphonics How do we do this wild new thing you call the brown nose? Well take a second, prepare yourself mentally and physically We'll show you how to brown nose Bend your (bend yo') knees (ooh LaLaLa...) Now move your head like this (ooh LaLaLa...) Pucker dem lips (ooh LaLaLa...) Give dat butt a kiss (ooh...) Kiss my Askin' for some green, I say now what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) Boss is really mean, I say now what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) Wanna impress your a' girlfriend's father, I say what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) Owe some money a' to your brother, I say what you gonna do? (Gonna brown nose. Gonna brown nose) You! Yes you! Here's a dime; run out and call the PMRC (Ok) Gonna brown nose! I wanna see every last one of you brown nosin' Even you tuna lips Alright! If you can dig it I wanna hear you shout Erlenmeyer Flask (Erlenmeyer Flask) Alright, I know you loved it the first time You gonna love it even more the second time As once more, we prepare to get down And do some serious big-time brown nosin' Bend your (bend yo') knees (ooh LaLaLa...) Move your head like this (ooh LaLaLa...) Pucker dem lips (ooh LaLaLa...) Give dat butt a kiss (ooh...) Kiss my (YA!) 3 - Methodist Coloring Book Dean: Hey there's a big airplane goin' by. Rodney: Get it! Go! Go! Some Recording Guy: It's on the track Rodney: Leave it! Get it on the track! Joe: Get it! Get it! Catch it! Dean: I got it :) You've got a methodist coloring book And you color really well But don't color outside the lines Or God will send you to Hell 'Cause God hates war And God hates crime A' but he really hates people Who color outside the lines You've got a methodist coloring book Don't color outside the lines 'Cause if God doesn't strike you with lightning He'll at least make you go blind Good people get sent to the attic Bad people will roast in the cellar But there's a special kind a' Hell For those who just won't learn to color God is gracious, God is good So let's color in his book God wears cotton, God wears rayon He can mend a broken crayon God is honest, He don't take payola Let's all thank him for our Crayolas! You got a methodist coloring book! (x3) (ah..oh..oh) (x2) You got a methodist coloring book! (x3) (oh..oh..oh.. [a very emotional performance]) You've got a methodist coloring book And you color really well But don't color out side the lines Or God will send you to Hell 4 + [untitled] Now, you talk about that Bohagus boy. You know him, Billy Bohagus? They found him last week out behind the barn [dramatic pause] with his math teacher, his Scout leader, and the local minister, and that boy had the nerve to say it was part of a biology project. We killed him; had no other choice. 4 - (0:30) Part 3 I saw you naked, you were chasin' a pig So I led the police to your house and showed 'em where to dig You thought you could live in peace But I saw you naked and I called the police I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did I saw you naked and you know it made me sick I saw you naked, you were campin' with scouts I know they earned some merit badges when the lights went out How could you touch those children? I saw you naked, you were holdin' a trout I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did I saw you naked and you know it made me sick Don't you kids try this solo at home That man is a trained professional I saw you naked, you were up in a tree Were you gonna jump on the paper boy? I hadda wait and see Were you afraid of squirrels? Poison Ivy? I saw you naked, you were singin' "Born Free" "Born Free" I saw you naked and I saw the terrible things that you did I saw you naked and you know it made me sick 5 - I Tripped Over The Ottoman They call me Robert Petrie and I live in New Rochelle With my wife Laura and son Ritchie But now my life's a living hell cause... I tripped over the ottoman One too many times I tripped over the ottoman Until I lost my mind I was head writer for Alan Brady Maybe you've seen his show It's not very funny and it makes my ears bleed This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas This week's guest star is Death! All day long I crank out one-liners With Buddy, Sal and Mel Once I laughed at Buddy's jokes But now my life's a living hell cause... I tripped over the ottoman One too many times I tripped over the ottoman Until I lost my mind Morey Amsterdam can make a sane man crazy Morey Amsterdam could make a nice guy kill (x2) and... I tripped over the ottoman One too many times I tripped over the ottoman Until I lost my mind Come here Laura; come to me I've been up all night listening to Ice-T albums Now it's time for you to get yours Hello Mel! This is my friend, Mr. Chain Saw! Hello Buddy! It's time you die, like the pig you are In the gutter, gasping for air This is a hand grenade, Sal A hand grenade! Ya know what a hand grenade does? It EXPLODES! What did you bring me daddy? (x3) Well, I brought you death! Joe: All right! 6 + [untitled] Take it, boys. Yeah, my sister's really movin' up in the world. She dates a full-blown professor! Goes by the name of Professor Griff. He's a great guy; he's a good ol' boy, that wild ol' Professor Griff. I think he's a history professor. The other day, he told me the wildest story about the history of jewellery. Anyway, come nightfall, we all love to sit on the porch, an' Sis plays the banjo, I play the jug, an' Professor Griff breaks out his Jew's harp and just flails away. God, I love that guy! 6 - (0:48) The Big Sleazy Well, it's a long way to Anchorage But that's where I'll go with you And we'll travel so far, dear To escape that morning zoo Cause I hate MMR and I hate YSP I do not like the Grateful Dead So, just don't talk to me I said I hate MMR and I hate YSP And you know that classic rock Does not interest me People are getting angry Maybe just they should Cause some of us can still remember, Back when XPN was good And I hate what they've done, to XPN Bunch a' folk nazis ruined my favourite station Said I hate what they've done, to XPN If you hear it now, it's just a pale imitation Well it's brunch with The Beatles And a tribute to Billy Joel Four hours of Doobie Brothers And they call that radio It's a long way to Anchorage But that's where I'll go with you And we'll travel so far, dear To escape that morning zoo Cause I hate MMR, I can't stand YSP I do not like the Grateful Dead You'd better stay away from me I said I loathe MMR, and I despise YSP Well friends there ain't no radio, Here in our city -OK, we've got a call on the request line and who am I speaking to? -My name's Will Junior. -And what do you do Will Junior? -Well, I unclog the toilets at the head shop ??? -And what can I play for ya? -Well, how about a block a' the Blahs dude? -Sorry, just played a block of the Blahs for the guys at the sandal store -Aw, man, well, how about a block a' Fleetwood Mac? -Oh, just played a block of Fleetwood Mac for the guys at the granola factory. -Oh man... -But I'll tell ya what, How 'bout if I send you a $20,000 gift certificate from Bob and Jerry's world of wicker? -Hey that's wicker! Dude, thanks a lot! 7 - If You Love Somebody, Set Them On Fire (sound of match striking) Know that it would be untrue Know that I would be a liar If I was to say to you I didn't set your house on fire But it's just the way I am Have to take it for a fact Life can really burn you up When you're a pyromaniac So... If you love somebody Better set them on fire I went to your house last night Dad called me the human torch Got a little pissed at him So I burned down your front porch Now I feel a little better About throwin' gas on your dad But you know it's hard to quit And besides he started it I just bought a brand new lighter And I just can't wait to use it With a can a' kerosene it's lots a' fun You can't refuse it Oily rags are special things You know to me they're diamond rings Maybe we can have some fun Maybe we can burn someone So... If you love somebody Better set them on fire Know that it would be untrue Know that I would be a liar If I was to say to you I didn't set your dad on fire If you love somebody Better set them on fire If you love somebody Why not set them on fire? If you love somebody Better set them on fire If you love somebody Why not set them on fire? 8 - Dollar Signs In Her Eyes She's tripping over the flowers in her garden The weeds are growin' high She dropped her laundry off at school And hung her children on her clothesline to dry She's throwing trash in her swimmin' pool She's pouring chlorine on her lawn You might think she needs a pair of glasses But, no, my friend you're wrong She cannot see the beauty in a tree Or in the life that it supplies This should not strike you as a mystery For she has dollar signs in her eyes She has dollar signs in her eyes (x2) Dollar signs in her eyes She's crashin' her car in an intersection She did not see the light She's walkin' round and round in a shoppin' mall As if she had no sight Dreams are only clouds That form and dissipate The sky is a highway for metal birds And land is real estate She does not understand her world depends Upon a history of lies She walks right by all her old high school friends For she has dollar signs in her eyes She has dollar signs in her eyes (x2) Dollar signs in her eyes 9 - In Praise Of Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na (x2) Sha Na Na Na Na Sha-Na-Na were the kings of Woodstock You know it's true deep in your heart Greasy guys in gold lame If only Hendrix had been so smart Pete Townshend wouldn't be so deaf If he followed Sha-Na-Na's advice And played fifties do-wop songs that Even your mom would think are nice Keith and Janis went away But Sha-Na-Na is here to stay I don't care 'bout Joan Baez Sha-Na-Na can wear my fez (at least it rhymes) Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na (x2) Sha Na Na Na Na Sha-Na-Na were the kings of the sixties Deep in your heart you know it's true All those kids at Berkeley dressed like Bowser They didn't like the Stones or the Who Sha-Na-Na didn't need flower power They didn't drive a yellow submarine Yet they were the guys who called the shots Sha-Na-Na really made the scene Keith and Janis went away (so long) But Sha-Na-Na is here to stay I don't care 'bout Joan Baez Sha-Na-Na can wear my fez (once again it rhymes) Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na (x2) Sha Na Na Na Na Sha-Na-Na... shot Kennedy Sha-Na-Na... stabbed that guy at Altamont Sha-Na-Na... started the Peace Corps Sha-Na-Na... were the first Astronauts Sha-Na-Na... joined the Black Panthers Sha-Na-Na... led student sit-ins Sha-Na-Na... grew organic food Sha-Na-Na... just never fit in You can move to Montana and listen to Santana But you still won't be as cool as Sha-Na-Na Sha Na Na Sha Na Na Na Sha Na Na Na Na Sha Na Na (x2) Sha Na Na Na Na (x2) Sha Na Na Na Na (x2) 10 - Epic Tales Of Adventure (Should people with leprosy and a past history of psychosis be allowed to teach our children? Your calls, after this.) There's an old lady who washes her clothes In the same laundromat as me She told me of her son And some shoes that hurt his feet Mean little nails rose up in a bunch And plunged into his soles Filling dirty socks With tiny bloody holes It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world Shoes and it's feet and the end of the world It's shoes and it's feet and the end of the world There's an old man who said that he came From the same town as my dad He told me of his house And why it smelled so bad Small furry creatures had crawled in the spaces In between the walls They died and they decayed Well I guess that's really all It's small furry creatures and the end of the world It's small furry creatures and the end of the world Small furry creatures and the end of the world It's small furry creatures and the end of the world There is a man who told me a story about a conspiracy He told me how it started And what it meant to me Doctors and lawyers and bankers and priests are Controlled by U.F.O.s (x2) It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world Bankers and priests and the end of the world It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the world (x2) It's bankers and priests and the end of the world It's doctors and lawyers and the end of the... There's an old lady who washes her clothes In the same laundromat as me She told me of her son and some SHOES! 11 - I Hate You, I Love You Joe: ???? Rodney: Get Out ??? Joe: Ya, that was me. (1.2. a 1.2.3.4) What am I gonna do When I get close to you? Wanna hold you next to me But you bring me misery I hate you, but I love you (x2) Let's go to see a show Which one well I don't know Will you make up your mind Or are you gonna waste my time I hate you, but I love you (x4) Look back to the time we met Were things better I forget You acted different then I thought you were a friend I hate you, but I love you (x5) I hate you, I love you (x2) Yes, I do 12 - Now Everybody's Me Rodney: Joe, shut up! Everybody hates Edie Brickell All my favourite shows are on TV All the restaurants serve my favourite food 'Cause now everybody's me Now my apartment's really crowded 'Cause I live there and I'm everybody And everybody's sleeping with my girl But, hey, everybody's me Now everybody's me (x4) Everybody's watching Married with Children Everybody's into bestiality The stores stopped selling Amstel light 'Cause now everybody's me Everybody loves Charles Manson Everybody wants to set him free And everybody's on the parole board 'Cause now everybody's me Now everybody's me (x4) I had to put an end to war Didn't make much sense to shoot at myself No more Christians, Jews, Muslims or Amway salesmen Just a whole planet of TV addicts Everybody's got hairy feet Everybody follows my philosophy Everybody's got a nephew named Jeff 'Cause now everybody's me They had to lower all the basketball nets 'Cause everybody's only 5 foot 3 And everybody likes to dress like a monkey 'Cause now everybody's me Now everybody's me (x4) Now everybody's into what I do Steve Albini, John? and Frank Sinatra sound exactly like me I even set up a duo with Julio Iglesias It was called Me and Julio Down By the Crackhouse 'Cause even Julio Iglesias is me I have the number one album I have all the albums 'Cause now everybody's me! 12 + (1:59) [untitled] Now, I understand that some of you don't know Sarah Jane, so I'll tell you a little bit about her. She's a lesbian Eskimo midget albino. She went to college and she started the Lesbian midget Eskimo Albino Student Union, and four hundred people signed up. There they were, hundreds of 'em, lesbian midget left-handed Eskimo albinos. Did I mention the fact that she's left-handed? She's left-handed, alright. Girl's got some strange hobbies. One of her hobbies is lowering children into open manholes, which is kinda difficult 'cause a lot of the children are taller than her, her being a midget and everything... or her being a left-handed midget... or her being a left-handed lesbian midget... or her being a left-handed lesbian albino midget... or her being a lesbian left-handed albino midget Eskimo... life can be really difficult on that young lady. She bit me once, you know. Right here, ya see this? Left a mark. She was lowerin' a friend of mine's kid into the sewer, I run up, and tried to stop her. I said, "Listen there, you lesbian midget left-handed albino! And you stop right there!" Then she bit me. I'm afraid I'm gonna... I'm gonna turn into a lesbian left-handed midget albino when the moon is full. Oh my God, the moon is full tonight! I can feel myself shrinking! I can feel myself getting left-handed! I can feel myself getting the urge to build an igloo! I can feel my skin turning white and my eyes getting red! I can feel... I can feel the urge... to buy a Suzanne Vega album!! NOOO! NNNNNOOOO!!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Oh, I'm okay; it was just gas. 13 - Little Man In My Head There's a little man in my head And he's drunk all of the time He sits there on a bench Holdin' a monkey wrench Sometimes he beats it against my mind There's a little man in my head And I don't think he likes it there I do bad things but it's his fault And he knows he can't get caught That little man, he just don't play fair There's a little man in my head And he must have lived in someone's head before 'Cause I was born in '63 And he's only been there since '74 There's a little man in my head And I don't think he understands me We've got no common ground On which to work around He gets so bored when I watch TV There's a little man in my head And I don't think that he'll ever die When he takes control He really takes his toll It's enough to make a grown man cry There's a little man in my head And I wish he'd find another home There's a little man in my head And now I'll never be alone Richard Speck has got a little man in his head Louis Farrakhan has got a little man in his head Frank Rizzo has got a little man in his head Squeaky Fromm has got a little man in her head Jim Jones had a little man in his head Richard Ramirez has got a little man in his head Ted Bundy had a little man in his head Dan Quayle's got a little man in his head And I don't know... How 'bout you? Maybe you've got a man in your head too [Almost indecipherable gibberish] Stayed up real late And watched the Charles Bronson film festival There's a little man in my head And he must have lived in someone's head before 'Cause I was born in '63 And he's only been there since '74 14 - Anderson, Walkman, Buttholes And How! We've got to get together Now we've got to save the snails Let's board the purple space ships Before they set sail I want a Yes reunion And you know I want one now No Anderson, Walkman, Buttholesurfers and How! Listening to the opera And smokin' angels' dust You can't get much more Fuckin' progressive than us Yeah, baby, I want to tell you something about love Talk to me! 15 + [untitled] Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like it when you get his maggot farm confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for worms, and a maggot farm is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots in the state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl believes this might be due to the fact that St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their waste on his property. Interesting thing about three-foot maggots is that... that, well, one day the china disappeared, and then the next day his television disappeared, and then a few days after that, his '57 Chevy disappeared. But there they are: the world's biggest maggots. Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the kitchen, giant maggots crawlin' across the floor, and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs all over it?" and he gives me a look that still chills me to this day. Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl Junior, which I think is pretty clever, since he is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy, ever since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up $5,000 worth of "976-" phone bills. He called weird, unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG" with two G's, and "976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know. He's a sick boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I talk to him. So I went into his bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could say a word, Earl Junior looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?" And he gave me a look that still chills me to this day. Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-Sue. And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much like a little girl, as she looks like a... a big pile of fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumpin' on his maggot farm. And, I never had much contact with Essie... Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think that much of her to get her name right. I never had much contact with her. She just normallyjust sits on the couch like a little ball of fungus and just... boils away. Well, one day, she looked at me, and that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what I guess was its mouth - I'd hate to think what else it could be), and out of that orifice floated the words, "Didja ever go to make a... a pork sausage and find it's got hair all over it?", and then that... that little pile of fungus gave me a look that chills me to this day. Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her... Wife. We don't know her name, because she's never really said that much. For the longest time, we thought she could only say two words, which were "dog" and "pussy". We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but then we found out that what she was really trying to say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word, which doesn't come up much in conversation, especially amongst Baptists. We never heard her say anything other than that. You know, she works down at... down at St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although she only does say those... well that one word. And we have heard her say another thing once, but that was a long time ago. We were sittin' around the house, and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs growin' all over it?", and she gave me a look that chills me to this day. Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin' down in Miller's Creek. He took his wife, who could only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl Junior, who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard numbers; and he took that little... that little ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, of his along with him. They all got in a little boat and they started fishing. Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery has been known to dump their stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of heinous stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with little things on them that say "St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery". Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed bass, which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass. Earl looked at it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to eat!" So he took out his knife to cut it open. But that fish looked up at him, and it said, "Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!" And Earl said, "But I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a maggot farm! My wife can only say 'dog-pussy'! My daughter is a pile of fungus! My son spent all of his college money calling '976-' numbers! I have to eat you!" And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me, mister, please!" And he said, "I have to! I have to!" So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're gonna cut me open, let me ask you one question: Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage and find it's got hairs growin' all over it?" And then, all twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl, and they stared back at his wife who could only say "dog-pussy", and they stared back at his weird "976-" animal-calling son, and they stared back at that... little pile of pus that passes for Earl's daughter. And they gave them a look! All twenty-seven eyes gave them a look! A look that they will not forget until this very day! Oh, man! * Song For Michael's Pipe (The hidden decoder exercise in the booklet) The hunter becomes the hunted No man can only be free Forty screaming monks see three Silly lading gun sort of people Love me nobody loves me Love me somebody has something Love me nobody hurts you Love me somebody has nothing A movie theater is a history lesson My teacher can never seem mute There stands in the clearing a prayer flute Silly loading gun sort of lovers Scream, sweat for my nighttime Yell, naked the medication wears off Help, help no one isn't a stranger Bang gun shots recoil in my brain -----------------------------------------------------------------------